Subject: JOKE-RATED: It's Grrreat to be a ... 99 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Nite Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 37. If your 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them. 79. ESPN's SportsCenter. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*ck it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch --------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-RATED:Go to the Head...(of the class) NEW COURSES FOR MEN Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult. Agenda 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How To Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$ 6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks") 8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 9. You - The Weaker Sex 10. Reasons To Give Flowers 11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom 12. How To Stay Awake After Sex 13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower 15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost 18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency 19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children 21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked 23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works 24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary 25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary 26. Real Men Ask For Directions A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES.... While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are: 1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach 2. Flatulence As An Art Form 3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women 4. Duct Tape - 101 5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip 6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training 7. Cooking for Fun and Sex 8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101 9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains) 10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole) 11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them 12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant 13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant 14. How To Have Great Sex 15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender). -------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-RATED:Go to the Other Head(Female Courses) A FEW NEW COURSES FOR WOMEN offered by Dr. Suite 1. Keeping your sense of humor: Men can be a great source of amusement 2. PMS: Effectively managing those homocidal tendancies around your man (sub course offered in choosing quality feminine protection) 3. Communication: The art of reading his mind 4. Pussy/Tits Envy: He wants yours - now 5. Motivation: 10 Tricks to help him remember to take out the trash (this method works well with other desired behavior too) 6. Sports, TV, and Beer: How to cope with these obessions of his (sub courses offered in Understanding the Male Bonding Enigma) 7. Sex: Managing his primary obession 101: Methods of Arousing Him: Anything can work 102: Methods of Avoiding Sex: Anything can work 103 The art of faking an orgasm 104: Oral Sex: Swallowing made easy (includes How to fake Swallowing technique) 105: The appropriate vocublary for sexual communication (I want you to come now! and other important arousing verbiage) 106: The art of acquiring an orgasm (with or without his assistance) 107: 7 Effective methods to make certain he doesn't just roll over and start snoring after that one parting shot 108: 15 Ways to keep yourself from laughing and pointing 109: 25 Lines to Ensure him you really climaxed too 110: Understanding his choice of condom (its a sheep thing) 111; Tits and a Clit: Why he's so obsessed (how to make them work for you) 8. Effectively feeding the Male Ego and the benefits of doing so 9. Managing Bathroom Calls while enjoying male company (Its One for all and All For One, Ladies!) 10.Coping with his need to experiment/repair any functioning or non-fuctioning equipment ***************************** THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, You're not allowed to cry. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. You have to wear ties. You can't flirt your way out of a jam. "Women and children first." ***************************************************** Subject: JOKE-RATED: GENDER DICK SHO NARRY GENDER DICTIONARY 1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food,sex and beer. 2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. 3. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ used for mooning and holding a tool belt on. 4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend 5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. 6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding. 7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. 8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. 9. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. 10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 11. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. 12. Thingie (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.?? ; ( male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra. 13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup. ------------------------------ Here are some rules for you women... 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don't make us guess. 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship." 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. 11. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 12. You have enough clothes. 13. You have too many shoes. 14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 15. Your brother is an idiot. 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. 18. Share the bathroom. 19. Share the closet. 20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a quickie in the morning. 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 24. Check your oil. 25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. ************************************************************************* SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males) 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES 2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?") 3. Elementary Map Reading 4. Crying and Law Enforcement 5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours 7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 8. The Seven-Outfit Week 9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") 10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission 11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights 12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water 14. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You") 16. How to Earn Your Own Money 17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") 18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup 20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP 22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments 23. Yes, You Can Fill Up With Your Own Petrol 24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 26. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") 29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" 30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? 32: Sperm Is Good For You (formerly titled "Just Swallow It") ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-RATED: Seminars for men and women SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females) ---------------------------------------- 1. You, Too, Can Do Housework 2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money 6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception 9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook 10. Techniques of Calling Home 11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right 12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous 13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency 14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet") 15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom 17. Garbage: Kitchen to Curbside 18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try 19. The Morning Dilemma-If IT's awake: Take A Cold Shower 20. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked") 21. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count. ------------------------------ Subject: 85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN 85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN 1. Don't call. EVER. 2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3. Lie. 4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" 5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them. 6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it. 7.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do. 8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 9. Lie. 10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 11.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis) 15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in urine. 16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 19. Lie. 20. Deny everything. Everything. 21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know. 22. Don't have a clue. 23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 24. No means yes. 25. Yes means no. 26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules. 27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. 28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 29. Feelings? What feelings? 30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass. 31. Lie I tell you!! 32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. TWIST. 34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%). 35. Lie. 36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even THINK about saying it. 37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 38. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle. 39. Lie. 40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it. 41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour. 43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. 46. Lie. 47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 51. You are male, therefore you are superior. 52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. 53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 54. Don't ever notice anything. 55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 58. Lie. 59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway. 61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." 62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily. 67. Lie. 68. If anyone asks you for a favour a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. 69. 69 70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" 71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 72. Lie. 73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) 75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 77. Default facial expression: blank stare. 78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass. 79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and say "You know I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Colour Me Badd, or Oldies. 81. Beer. Then more beer. 82. One word: FOOTBALL! 83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? 84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity. 85. LIE. ----------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-RATED:Female & Male PC's Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you." 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. ================================================== Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 2. A better model is right around the corner. 3. They look attractive -- until you take them home. 4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. 5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on......& on .........& on... &..... ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-RATED: 100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment". 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not. 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me." 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers. 82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!" 88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. You never have to read the instruction manual. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere. ------------------------------ Subject: Joke-clean: Ever had this problem?? I'm currently running the latest version of Girl-Friend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girl-Friend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you run Girl-Friend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girl-Friend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl-Friend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girl-Friend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girl-Friend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girl-Friend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right---as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girl-Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girl-Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girl-Friend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run Girl-Friend 1.0 again with Girl-Friend 4.0 still installed, but Girl-Friend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl-Friend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girl-Friend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girl-Friend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-Friend to Girl-Friend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girl-Friend. He discovered that Girl-Friend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fianc e 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.