Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give."
-- Cass Daley

"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous.  Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me."
-- Dick Martin

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...' they leave skid marks."
-- Rita Rudner

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
-- Groucho Marx

"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
-- S. T. Coleridge

Subject: Marrage jokes

Holy Matrimony

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he wanted provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thought for a moment and then said, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand-and divorce is about 20 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea. The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags,
I've won the lottery!"
His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He replied, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.