MEN, ACCORDING TO WOMEN ========================= Why did God create man? She didn't. Her husband did. Why do men do odd jobs around the house? If they do, it's odd. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. What's the differnce between a clitoris and a pub? Nine out of ten men can find a pub. How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to actually change it and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Don't know, it's never happened. Why did the tribes of Israel wander in the desert for 40 years? Because even then men couldn't stop to ask directions. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower? Lawmowers don't bitch after they mow the lawn. What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? A candlelit football stadium. What's the real reason men can't communicate? It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them. How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework? They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner. What is the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that ----------------------------- is six inches. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. What's the difference between men and govenment bonds? Bonds mature. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Do you know why women fake orgasm? They think men care. The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide (a Berkeley publication) What They say: What They Mean: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Did you come?" "Because I didn't." "I have something to tell you." "Get tested." "I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor." "I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I never meant to hurt you." "I thought you weren't a virgin." "Trust me." "Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin." "I love you." "God, what have I gotten myself into?" "I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly." "Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass." "I want to make love." "I want to make love." "Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood." "We need to talk." "I'm pregnant." "I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?" "I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I've learned a lot from you." "Next "I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation." "I think we should see other people." "I have been seeing other people." "Let's get married." "Does that mean we can do it now?" "We don't have to do anything until "Put out or get out." you are ready" "I feel its time to express our love "Give me head." for each other." "I still think about you." "I miss the sex." "Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this soft?" "You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen." "Its never been like this before." "Its my first time." "Yes...Yes...(scream!)." "Aren't you done yet?" RITA RUDNER'S 50 FACTS ABOUT MEN. 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set. MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. "This won't hurt, I promise." Reasons why I can't talk on the phone Reasons why I can't talk on the phone (actually, reasons I'm trying to avoid calling/accepting a call from you) 1. Did I mention I was deaf in one ear? Well, that's my phone ear... 2. We don't have electricity hooked up in our village yet. 3. Look, I don't even know you... mum. 4. I have strep throat, and I don't want you to catch it. 5. Are you kidding? I just learned how to use a doorknob. 6. I seriously injured my dialing finger yesterday in a freak accident. 7. I can't use the phone without adult supervision. 8. I'm on hold indefinitely waiting for the Prime Minister. 9. My phone line is connected directly to my answering machine. 10. I don't speak english. THE RULES 1. THE *FEMALE* ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES. 2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION. 3. NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW ALL THE RULES. 4. IF THE *FEMALE* SUSPECTS THE MALE OF KNOWING ALL THE RULES, SHE MUST IMMEDIATLY CHANGE SOME OR ALL OF THE RULES. 5. THE *FEMALE* IS NEVER WRONG. 6. IF THE *FEMALE* IS WRONG, IT IS DUE TO A MISUNDERSTANDING WHICH IS A DIRECT RESULT OF SOMETHING THE *MALE* DID OR SAID WRONG. 7. IF RULE 6 APPPLIES, THE *MALE* MUST APOLOGIZE *IMMEDIATLY* FOR CAUSING THE MISUNDERSTANDING. 8. THE *FEMALE* MAY CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY TIME. 9. THE *MALE* MUST *NEVER* CHANGE HIS MIND WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE *FEMALE*. 10. THE *FEMALE* HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AND UPSET AT ANY TIME. 11. THE *MALE* MUST REMAIN CALM AT ALL TIMES, UNLESS THE *FEMALE* WANTS HIM TO BE ANGRY. 12.THE *FEMALE* MUST UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET THE *MALE* KNOW WHETHER OR NOT SHE WANTS HIM TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET. 13.THE *MALE* IS EXPECTED TO MIND READ AT ALL TIMES. 14. THE *MALE* WHO DOESN'T ABIDE BY THE RULES CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, LACKS BACKBONE AND IS A WIMP. 15. ANY ATTEMPT TO DOCUMENT THE RULES COULD RESULT IN BODILY HARM. 16. IF THE *FEMALE* HAS PMS, ALL THE RULES ARE NULL AND VOID. 17. THE *FEMALE* IS READY WHEN SHE IS READY. 18. THE *MALE* MUST BE READY AT ALL TIMES. **THE MOST IMPORTANT RULES IS: ****NEVER CROSS A FEMALE******** THE STUDENT MIND DURING A FINAL EXAM ------------------------------------ the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity * 10% The prof. never covered this section! * 10% Actual knowledge on the subject. * 10% The Teacher is kinda cute! * 10% I knew I should have read the book! * 10% Soon this will all be behind me! * 10% I hope the required mark is really low! * 10% PANIC ZONE! * 10% Prayers for a miracle flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake...etc... * 10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe... * 10% Summer holiday! THOUGHTS DURING SEX: IF ONLY HE KNEW ! * hurry up and finish... you're killing me! * I wonder what the cats think we're doing. * Uh-oh, he's getting soft, maybe he hates me. * This should be done in about ten minutes, and I'll only lose a half hour's sleep. * I think I'll place his hand... here. Oooh, much better. * I'm an eagle in flight...swooping, circling,soaring. * Where can I find wallpaper to match the teal rug? * Am I moaning so loud the neighbors hear? * Those thirty extra crunches really paid off. * Make your tongue firmer. FIRMER!! * Can't it be like in the movies just once? * I wish my son wasn't home so we could do this on the living room rug. * His natural musk is... shall we say, distinctive. * Please, please don't notice my cellulite. * I want to make him come so hard he passes out. * I'd rather be reading. * Nice pecs. * We're making some amazing shapes. * I'm about to climax for all womankind. * Oh, my God, he has hair on his back! * How did his last girlfriend do this? * His penis seems to take a left turn. Interesting. * What if I throw up? * Where the hell did he learn that?! * Now my ear is all wet. * Thank God for bikini waxes. * I wonder what Mother would say about this. * Ouch! Watch your teeth! WIFESPEAK: ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT --------- ------------------ You want. You want. We need. I want. It's your decision. The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want. You'll pay for this later. We need to talk. I need to complain. Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to. I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're...so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly Is sex all you think about? attentive tonight. I'm not emotional! & I'm on my period. I'm not overreacting! Be romantic, turn out I have flabby thighs. the lights. This kitchen is so I want a new house. inconvienient. I want new curtains. ...and carpeting and furniture... I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. Hang the picture here. No, I mean hang it here! I heard noise. I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something very expensive. How much do you love I did something today you're really not going me? to like... I'll be back in a Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. minute. Is my bottom fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to Just agree with me. communicate. Are you listening to Too late, you're dead. me!? No No Maybe No Yes No I'm sorry You'll be sorry. Do you like this It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. recipe? I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think this important. In answer to "What's Wrong?" The same old thing Nothing Nothing Everything Everything My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really It is just that you're an asshole. I don't want to Go away, I'm still building up steam. talk about it. EMPLOYEE EVALUATION Name: ________________________ Date: __________________ Position: ___________________ ================================================== Knowledge: ˇ ¸ The Son of a Bitch Really Knows His Shit! ˇ ¸ Knows Just Enough To Be Dangerous. ˇ ¸ Only Has Half a Brain and is Dangerous. ˇ ¸ Fucking Brain Damaged, His Coffee Cup Has a Higher IQ. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Accuracy: ˇ ¸ Does Excellent Work If Not Pre-occupied With Women. ˇ ¸ Pretty Good; Only Occasionally Blows it Out His Ass. ˇ ¸ Has to Take His Shoes Off To Count Higher Than Ten. ˇ ¸ Couldn't Count His Balls And Get The Same Number Twice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Attitude: ˇ ¸ Extremely Cooperative (If You Kiss His Ass Daily). ˇ ¸ Brown Noser In Good Standing. ˇ ¸ Often Pisses Off Co-Workers, Thinks He Owns the Damn Place ˇ ¸ Doesn't Give A Shit, Never Did, Never Will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reliability: ˇ ¸ Really A Dependable CockSucker. ˇ ¸ Works So Hard That He Has To Take An Extra Day Off Each Week. ˇ ¸ Can Rely On Him To Be The First One Out The Door. ˇ ¸ Totally Fucking Worthless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Appearance: ˇ ¸ Extremely Neat, Even Combs His Pubic Hair. ˇ ¸ Looks Great On His Days Off. ˇ ¸ Dirty, Filthy, Smelly Son Of a Bitch. ˇ ¸ Flies Leave Fresh Dog Shit To Follow Him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Performance: ˇ ¸ Goes Like A Son Of A Bitch...If There's Money In It For Him. ˇ ¸ Does All Kinds of Good Shit At Evaluation Time. ˇ ¸ Works Well After An Enema. ˇ ¸ Couldn't Do Less If He Were In A Coma. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Leadership: ˇ ¸ Carries A Chain saw And Gets Good Results. ˇ ¸ Macho Attitude, Commands Total Disgust. ˇ ¸ Dog Fasted For Three Day Last Time He Brought Home Pork Chops. ˇ ¸ Mother Teresa Told Him to Get Fucked. ================================================== I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN COUNSELED AND UNDERSTAND MY RIGHTS UNDER THE PRIVACY ACT OF 1974. I FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM FUCKED UP AND WORTHLESS AS A FOOTBALL BAT, AND I WILL MAKE SOME KIND OF ATTEMPT TO CORRECT MY OBVIOUS DEFICIENCES. _______________________________ Employee Signature (If He Can Write) REAL ENGINEERS... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. SAMPLE EXAM QUESTIONS ===================== Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer langugae. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latrin, Hebrew, or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.) Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples. INTERESTING FACTS Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam at a picnic without checking to see if the seeds move. Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces. Introduction "WHAT IS A FRAT?" Every college campus has them. Those uptight, Xerox-copied Ken dolls who prance about campus like God's gift to the world. They think they're cool and rebellious by spending their Saturday nights getting plastered and gawking at women who they have about as much chance having sex with as they doing suddenly realizing how pathetic their store-bought lives are. They are the Fraternity geeks. Former high school student council people who, when thrust into the college system, realized that Daddy's money could no longer buy them positions of greatness in the eyes of fellow students, so instead they rent their best friends. They brag about the women they've "done" to compensate for their small penises. They deliver commands to other students in a threatening tone when surrounded by fellow frat daddies, but sweetly talk and in an open, caring manner when alone and running the risk of getting their ass kicked. And their logic and language are as impudent. Take, for instance, the famous defense phrase beat into the cement noggin of every greek boy: "Don't call your fraternities `frats' because you wouldn't call your county `cunt.'" Now, immediately, the standard human being with an IQ about the negative range can see three problems in the above statement. 1. It's not my frat. 2. This guy doesn't know for sure that I *don't* call my country cunt. 3. "Frat" is a slang term created by dropping the "-ernity" of "fraternity." Drop the "-ry" off "country" and you get "count," not "cunt." In short, they just aren't quick. But not to fear. Here's a guide to some of their popular phrases and words, translated for your benefit. It's a short file, based off short intellect. -konee#166 POPULAR FRAT TERMINOLOGY In Fraternity In English CONFRONTATION: * "I'll kick your ass! * "I'm gonna get about 20 of my frat buddies together and we're gonna wield bats and hope we can catch you asleep under a tree so we can beat you up!" * "I've never lost a fight." * "I've never been in a fight." * "I'm about to introduce you to * "I'm gonna pay a football player a work of pain." to beat you up." * "Surely we can talk this out like * "Not the face! Not the face!" rational human beings." * "I believe in a fair fight." * "We'll start the fight when my back up arrives." EDUCATION: * "By taking the initiative to go * "I'm here for beer in sex, in no on to a university and further my particular order." education, I hope to broaden my horizons, open new eployment oppurtunities, and be a better person on the whole." MEETING WOMEN: * "Hello, may I buy you a drink?" * "How much alcohol does it take to get you in bed?" * "Would you like to dance?" * "Please give me a reason to touch you." * "I think men should be more * "It really pisses me off when responsive to the needs of chicks don't swallow." women." * "That's a very interesting * "That's a very interesting name name you have." you have. Of course, in five minutes, I'll be so absorbed by alcohol and staring at your chest that I won't remember it." * "Would you like to go back to * "Let's go back to my places where my place?" I can paw at you, get slapped, and later brag to all my frat brothers about what an easy lay you were, destroying any chance at respectability you have." * "I'd like to get to know you * "Take off your bra." better." add RELIGION: * "I respect Christianity. Jesus * "Anyone who turns water to was a great man, full of love wine can't be all bad." and patience. The hate he had to endure, and yet he still loved us all. He truly was the Son of God." SEXUAL SITUATIONS & RELATIONS: * "I respect you for your decision * "Damn it, I paid for your dinner. of abstenance." Now put out!" * "Of course I'll respect you in * "Respect you in the morning? I the morning." can't even remember your name tonight!" * "I want you to know I don't do * "Looks like I get another notch this with just anyone." on the ol' belt. Three more and my frat pals throw a kegger in my honor." * "Despite our differences, I'm * "You're ugly, but I don't wanna still willing to make a go at look at you. Just f**k you." a relationship." * "I love you." * "God I hope I wasn't stupid enough to give you my real phone number." SOCIAL ISSUES: * "I totally agree with your * "Just because I can't make you stance and am angered how my sit at the back of the bus does race has oppressed you for so not mean I have to like you." long." * "The plight of your people is * "I hate you ˇinsert appropriate truly an awe-inspiring tale." racial slur here¸." * "I want you to know that despite * "Please don't mug me." our color differences, I think of you as a brother." * "Not enough people take birth * "So what if it IS my kid, I don't control seriously." see how it's my problem." * "But the problems with condoms * "No way in hell am I putting is you still run the 20%+ chance something that looks like a of it rupturing during sex." party balloon on my dick." * "Something needs to be done about * "Can't we shoot them or the homeless problem in our something?" country." * "It breaks my heart to think * "Better him than me." somewhere in the world, a small child will go to bed without his dinner again tonight." COMMON FRAT VOCABULARY In English In Fraternity Woman Bitch Holy Water Beer God Beer Someone who can help me Friend get what I need, be there when I need to use them and never asks for favors in return Someone who can be in no Asshole way exploited. Art school student ˇwhen Fairy in company of other frats¸ Art school student ˇwhen Master of the alone & surrounded by Visual Arts other art school students¸ Checking Account/Loan Officer Daddy Girlfriend Guaranteed Sex Janitor Most probable post-college job USES FOR THE WORD FUCK Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "What fucking map?" "Challenger," Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy GUYSPEAK TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY What guys say... ...What they mean... It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head. She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue I don't know if I like her She won't blow me I need you My hand is tired I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all week I really want to get to know you better ...so I can tell my friends about it How do I compare with all you Is my penis really that small? other boyfriends? You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not cared about rejected me I want you back ...for tonight anyway We've been through so much together If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times for another 24 hours I am different from all the other guys I am not circumsized ---------- A More Complete List of Pickup Lines 1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. 2. Do you want to see something swell? 3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? 4. Drop 'em! 5. What do you like for breakfast? 6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 7. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 8. Say, did we go to different schools together? 9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh. 11. Hi, my name is „name†, how do you like me so far? 12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? 14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies. 15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" 16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? 19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley? 20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? 22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" 23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!? 24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids) 25. Bond. James Bond. 26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow? 27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more? 28. Your place or mine? 29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand. 31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me? 32. Your face or MINE!? 33. "Are you ready to go home yet?" 34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? 36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? 37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. 38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight. 40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. 41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? 42. I'd look good on you. 43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? 44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else. 45. I would kill or die to make love to you. 46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. 49. HI! Can I buy you a car? 50. NOW, BITCH! 51. Fancy a fuck? 52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it. 53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you? 54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some? 57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear. 58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? 59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. 60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven." 62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you? 63. You know what I like about you? My arms. 64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday. 65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing? 66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA- approved cosmetics? 67. You're ugly, but you interest me. 68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you? 69. Do you believe in one-night-stands? 70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear. 71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me? 72. If I gave you a neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me? 73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum? 75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed? 76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across! 77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? 78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me. 79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. 80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot! 81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams. 82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes. 83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? 84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them. 85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. 86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me. 87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven? 88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on? 89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink? 90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples? 91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's 92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us 94. You smell wet. Let's Party. 95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. 96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. 97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize? 99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...let's meet sometime... 100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. 101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? 102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. 104. Excuse me, do you live around here often? 105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? 106. What's your sign? 107. You have the ass of a great artist. 108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 109. Let's take a shower together --you smell. 110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade 111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? 112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... 113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) 114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here." 115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking." 116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body? 117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. 118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated. 119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM. 120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do? 121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard? 122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ?? 123. I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your cloths off in 30 seconds 124. I'd like to rearrange the alphabet and put u and i together 125. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire 126. Would you like to see me naked ?? 127. I lost my phone number can i borrow yours ?? 128. I was sitting here holding this cigarrete and I realized I'd rather be holding you 129. If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now 130. Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue 140. Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you may as well be there. 141. Wanna go halves in a baby ? 142. Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul! 143. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No? D'ya wanna do lunch! 144. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No? D'ya wanna go upstairs and talk! 145. Holding out two fingers say, "why should women masturbate with these two fingers?" When they say, "I don't know", you say, "Coz they're mine sweetheart". 146. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. 147. "Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?" 148. "Hi! You know with my tongue, I can make you scream the alphabet backwards." THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!) 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ˇ"What for?"¸ I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ˇ"No."¸ Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? ˇBe ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."¸ 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legshurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's ˇyour name¸. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's ˇyour name¸, but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 15. ˇLook at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":¸ Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 20. ˇGrab his/her tush.¸ Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ˇ"To where?"¸ To your heart. ˇCheese alert!¸ 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. ˇTap your thigh¸ You just think this is my leg. 30. Say, that's a nice ˇdress/outfit/article of clothing¸. Can I talk you out of it? 31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? 32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. 33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it. 35. (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too. ---------- PRICE OF TRUE LOVE The price of giving all the items in the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" went up less than 2 percent in 1996, under the current annual rate of inflation of 2.6 percent. 1 Partridge in a pear tree $35 2 Turtle doves 50 3 French hens 15 4 Calling birds 280 5 Gold rings 450 6 Geese-a-laying 150 7 Swans-a-swimming 7,000 8 Maids-a-milking 34 9 Pipers piping 2,607 10 Ladies dancing 3,013 11 Lords-a-leaping 1,109 12 Drummers drumming 1,201 Total to give gifts once: $15,944 Total to give as in song*: $73,345 *Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents: 12 partridges, 36 calling birds, 40 maids, etc.