(This is purported to be a true story, from HR Block's files.)
 

 Dear Sirs,
 
    I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
 three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you.
 I have questioned whether these are my children for years.  They are
 evil and expensive.
 
    It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
 that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these
 waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next
 year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
 the deduction.  This year they are yours!
 
    The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant.  Ask her.  I
 suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
 people's questions about their returns.  While she has no formal
 training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
 subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.  Next year she is
 going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you will now be
 responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that over keep in
 mind she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment so you have the
 immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds
 to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen
 also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy.  While she possesses all the wisdom of
 the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
 occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence.  This is always
 uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
 future.
 
    Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
 a little close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner
 himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In February I
 was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
 bringing Pat home.  He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the
 future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
 Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is
 purple.  Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?  Learn to
 deal with it.  You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few
 days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
 filing your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and his
 friends have raging hormones.  This is a house of testosterone and it
 will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.  DO NOT leave
 any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
 inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure that you will find
 telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
 the 900 and 976 numbers])
 
    Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared
 quite by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10 going
 on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears tie-dyed
 clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
 Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
 her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the
 schools dropped it.  Good news!  You can buy it yourself for half the
 amount of the deduction that you are denying!  It's quite obvious that
 we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise
 this one to a new level of terror.  She cannot speak English.  Most
 people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
 valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak.  I
 don't.  The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
 her R's.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.  She
 wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
 four more times.  There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me
 but I am sure that you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you come to
 get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be
 easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made
 of.
 
    You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get
 to pick which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest,
 I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free.  If you
 take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
 Heather becomes a teenager.  If you take the two girls then I won't
 feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.  Please let
 me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
 increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional
 tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
 
                                  Yours Truly,
                                               "Bob"
 

    Note: The taxpayer in question was allowed the deductions.