For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. DAY 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT. DAY 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT. DAY 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. DAY 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. DAY 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? DAY 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. DAY 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's. ======================================== Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Political Forecast The latest weather forecast for Washington DC and vicinity is for continued fog this afternoon, increasing in density throughout the remainder of the day. Willful ignorance and defiant denials are expected by daybreak. Scattered "DUH" will probably be experienced by most areas, especially those in and around the White House. The 7 Day & 30 Day forecasts are for more of the same. -- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies Sorry about the attachment in my last post, it was a business card that outlook adds by default and I forgot to remove it. SUBJ: New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife. 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... 6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. 7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." 8. I will read the manual. 9. I will think of a password other than "password." 10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: THE NEW BARBIES!!!!!!!!!! "New from Mattel" Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence. Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand). Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Darn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite. Mobile Home Park Barbie Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accesories include: two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies come with suprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her suprise visits when they come into town. ------------------------------ Subject: STORY-CLEAN:DUMB & DUMBER Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airporthotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. ************************************************************ Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. ************************************************************ A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. ************************************************************ A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. ************************************************************ The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. ************************************************************ A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. ************************************************************ A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. ************************************************************ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. ************************************************************ When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. ************************************************************ A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. ----------------------------- Subject: STORY-CLEAN:The Kiddies r at it again.. A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted: The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on. A rolling stone plays the guitar. The grass is always greener when you remember to water it. A bird in the hand is a real mess. No news is no newspaper. It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity. It's always darkest just before I open my eyes. You have nothing to fear but homework. If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace. If you can't stand the heat, go swimming. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday. A penny saved is nothing in the real world. The squeaking wheel gets annoying. We have nothing to fear but our principal. To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not. I think, therefore I get a headache. Better to light a candle than to light an explosive. It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m. Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister. There is nothing new under the bed. The grass is always greener when you put manure on it. Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!" ----------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:I *LOVE* this..........gift Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 1. "I really don't deserve this." ------------------------------ Subject: Mind-Teasers: The Morning After "What a stench!" exclaimed Mary, opening the window. "You must have smoked that whole box of 50 El Stumpos." Kim chuckled, picking a cigar from the box. "Not that many," he told her. "Twice the number we smoked is just three more than half what remain in the box right now." Q: How many did remain? Mail me to get the answer!! ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Cows and world governments RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then,.... HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk! SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTARIANISM: Whatever. **************************************************************************** Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Poster I saw Children! Tired of your stupid parents always harrasing you? ACT NOW!! Move out, get a job, pay your own bills while you still know everything. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Sighs of the Times "Doctors are warning patients they should not rely on medical information they receive on the Internet," says Perisho. "But it will be quite reliable once doctors figure out how to bill patients for it."