One Liners * Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments. * Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years. * If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air * Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. * Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk. * Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted. * A honeymoon should be like a table... Four bare legs and no drawers. * "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." * I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Aging jokes YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN: Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. You get winded playing chess. Your children begin to look middle aged. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. Dialing long distance wears you out. You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer. You just can't stand people who are intolerant. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m. Your back goes out more often than you do. A fortune teller offers to read your face. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. ___________________________ YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN.... You refer to your accountant as "that nice young man." You have shoes older than your new assistant. Your office nickname (formerly Whiz Kid) is now Scout Master You can recite the lyrics to "Stop in the Name of Love," but you can't remember your new area code. The drive-thru attendant calls you "sir" before he even sees you. You now believe that Elvis died young. You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass." You also hear yourself say, "I used to know that." You're on your third mid-life crisis. You name your cats Gin and Seng. Your crows feet have blossomed into a world class aviary. You get tired just looking at the pregnant woman with the screaming toddler behind you in line. You look at that pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, smile broadly, and keep on walking!! *********************************************************** You know you're getting old when: Your children have to repeat everything three times. Your barber glues hair onto your head when you go for a hair cut. You get hair coloring for your birthday. You get a can with compressed air to help blow out the candles on the cake. You start dozing when everyone sings happy birthday to you. *********************************************************** He's so old...(how old is he)... ....his social security number is "1" ....he's got a dollar bill in his pocket with George Washington's baby picture on it. ******************************************** It's your Birthday!!! That wonderful time of year when the cake comes down the chimney and you blow out all the candles on your eggs and everyone sings Valentine Carols to you while you open your pumpkins! What the hell! You're old, You're confused; You don't know the difference!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *********************************************************8 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily, and lie about your age. ----------------------------------- Three old men are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One man says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second man says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third man smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." He raps the table. With a startled look on his face, he asks, "Who's there?" ___________________________ The nice thing about being senile is: -- you can hide your own Easter eggs. -- you get to meet new and interesting people every day. -- it's gotten a LOT easier to "forget your troubles." ___________________________ Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names 2. Forgetting faces 3. Forgetting to zip up 4. Forgetting to zip down. ___________________________ Remember old folks are worth a fortune - with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs. ___________________________ Over the past few years some changes have come into my life. Frankly I've become a frivolous old girl. I'm seeing gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed. Next, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place for too long, so he takes me from place to place. After such a busy day, I'm ready to relax with Johnny Walker. What a life! Oh yes I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. P.S. The preacher came the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, if I'm in the parlor, upstairs, or in the kitchen, I ask myself: Now what am I here after?" ___________________________ The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant. "I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all." ___________________________ WOOPIES (Well-Off Older People) (ies) To achieve WOOPIE status, the following criteria must be met: 1. You are retired, considering retirement, or planning for retirement from at least one job. 2. You must have an income equal to at least half of your best income during your last three working years. 3. Although not mandatory, you should own a car. If you do, you must be capable of driving it. 4. You must own your own home or condo. 5. You must own at least one piece of exercise equipment that is used on a regular basis as a clothes hanger. 6. You must own two TVs, one that you watch and one that is in front of your exercise equipment. 7. You must own a VCR and at least two exercise videos. 8. You must be mentally capable of programming your VCR. (This criterion eliminates a lot of applicants.) 9. You must be physically healthy, at least capable of turning off your TV without using the remote. This is another criterion that creates problems. Most potential WOOPIES can manage to get to the TV, but can't find the ON/OFF switch. 10. You must be on the mailing lists of at least three of the following agencies/ businesses: 1. AARP 2. Real estate agents who want to sell your house 3. A nutrition and/or vitamin supply company 4. A travel agency --"Do we have a cruise for you!!" 5. A financial/estate planner 6. A mortuary with such promotions as: "We can reserve a plot for you;" "Buy your burial plot at '96 prices;" "Buy now, pay now; die later." ___________________________ An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary. A young man, about to get married, decided to ask the old couple the Secret of their Success. Said the elderly man, "Young man, in my house, I make all of the big decisions and leave all of the trivial ones to my wife". After a meaningful pause, he continued, "I decide what is to be done to reform Welfare, how to stop the war in the Balkans, what is wrong with NASA and how to set it right etc. She decides the trivia like, where we're going to live, what I am going to wear to work, how much money I get to spend, ..." ___________________________ Methuselah ate what he found on his plate, And never, as people do now, Did he note the amount of the calorie count; He ate it because it was chow. He wasn't disturbed as at a dinner he sat, Devouring a roast or a pie, To think it was lacking in the right kind of fat Or a couple of vitamins shy. He cheerfully chewed each species of food, Unmindful of troubles or fears Lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert; And he lived over 900 years! ___________________________ RELATIONAL AGES--- MEN'S LIFE STYLES THROUGH THE AGES AGE DRINK: 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED: 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE: 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 "Let's go to that lecture on bladder troubles." ______________________________________ I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. When they showed the instant replay, he thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. ************************************************************************ Old....never die, they just....: - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. - Old actors never die, they just drop apart. - Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. - Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. - Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. - Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling. - Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. - Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures. - Old bosses never die, much as you want them to. - Old cashiers never die, they just check out. - Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. - Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged. - Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience. - Old electricians never die, they just lose contact. - Old farmers never die, they just go to seed. - Old garagemen never die, they just retire. - Old hackers never die, they just go to bits. - Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips. - Old hippies never die, they just smell that way. - Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot. - Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe. - Old investors never die, they just roll over. - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils. - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent. - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate. - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey. - Old musicians never die, they just get played out. - Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime. - Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed. - Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot. - Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces. - Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. - Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane. - Old policemen never die, they just cop out. - Old printers never die, they're just not the type. - Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. - Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. - Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away. - Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. - Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles. - Old seers never die, they just lose their vision. - Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. - Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings. - Old sailers never die, they just get a little dingy. - Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do. - Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper. - Old students never die, they just get degraded. - Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. - Old teachers never die, they just lose their class. - Old typists never die, they just lose their justification. - Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation. - Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged. - Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful. ********************************************************** Subject: Joke-clean: good Catholic boys > >Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of >whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he >walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'" > >Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good >morning, your Grace.'" > >Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good >morning, your Eminence.'" > >The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches >tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people >greet him 'Oh, My God!'" ********************************************************** Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Cure The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there?" The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant." "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse. "I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups." ********************************************************** Subject: STORY-CLEAN:Customer Service actual quotes from customers' calls... "How's that again?" * My DOS system got corroded. * I have about 20,000 megabytes on my hard drive. * OK, I have a C: backsplash. * Do I hit "F" and "8" at the same time? * I have 384,000 free contentious memory * I have a cursing flasher. * Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes? "No, I only have 3 of them." * I have Microword Soft. * Do you want a forward backslash? * You want me to "REAM" out SETVER?! * I was flooding the help file. * My BOOTLEG file didn't say anything. * I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0 and my memory crashed the system. * Press any key. "I can't find it!!" * This DOS program says I have insignificant memory. * How do I use my High Megabit memory? * It says one copy filed. * Where do I get the 6.2 step on disk? * I'm having problems with Prodigy now, cause I bought a modem. * I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file. * I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy. * Can you hang on while I take out my earring? * I lost my blue Cyanide color in DOSSHELL. * When I type Empty Space TEMP it says bad command. * I have a scummy card in my system. * One moment while I PARK you (Please Hold). * I have a terminant swap file. * I have a terminal swap file. * I have a termanent swap file. * Why can't I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time? this IS a MULTITASKING system, isn't it?? * I have a "teer" to "teer" network. * I've been using Windows for well over 10 years now. * I'm in 386 enchanted mode. * Memory? Is that the RAM stuff? * Why is my permanent swap file taking up 91K?! (9,186,532 bytes) * Type SHELL=FROGMAN.EXE? * What kind of system do you have? "HP!" * My modem can't see my Windows! * I have "SET TEMPERATURE=C:\DOS" ********************************************************** Subject: STORY-CLEAN:To the Class of 97 "Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life... The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen." "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. *******************************************************