A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen- comic =========================================================================== >From the Alameda County DA's office: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examing a pathologist. Here's what happened: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Atty: Did you listen to the heart? Cor: No. Atty: Did you check for breathing? Cor: No. Atty: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Cor: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. =========================================================================== The Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend 15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile. 14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*. 8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!" 4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. [ This list copyrighted by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] =========================================================================== Subject: :Who Should Pay On A Date??? Source unknown, got it from a friend. To all the women out there. Say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do. Guys don't generally date "up", and even if professionally you're at the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same job. So he can afford to pay for you. (Frankly, if you're hoping to marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his offspring.) But, in case you need more justification, read on: Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw you. Your haircut? It cost more than his. Your clothes? Not only are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more, even though there's less fabric. Even if every line item in your wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one,you were wearing -- the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place) and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run. Oh, did I mention cosmetics? So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone asks you to lunch, they're paying, right? You don't even think about this, do you? Okay. So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours? Because you're a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (read: more expensive) neighborhood. You insist on an "upper" apartment, which is at least $10 more a month. How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell phone for emergencies? How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those marauding bands of female rapists and muggers? How about all the times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or two in THAT neighborhood? If you live in New York, all the times you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe for a woman to be out at that hour? You go out, you let him pay. It goes well, (because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying does make them feel like a man) he keeps asking you out. So, why not reach for the wallet now? Are you planning to have sex with him? So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts are working properly? Unless your gynecologist knows the insurance scam,that's at least $100 a year that's not covered. And then, there's the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for awhile, you're using condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop. But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup method. You read Cosmo. You know. Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method ofbirth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's expensive and really shitty if it fails. So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant, let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something nice for him, make him dinner once in awhile. Buy really nice lingerie. Stock up on his favorite brand of condom. Pay for your half of the vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of sushi at Matsuhisa can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt in that chair. I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for. =========================================================================== Subject: joke-clean: memory, thinking and the mind (quotes) The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. - Nietzsche What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness. - Tolstoy The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. - Johanne von Goethe You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. - Sacha Guitry I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought ,"What the hell good would that do?" -Ronnie Shakes Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. - Plato Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense. - Robert Frost Ignorance of ignorance is the greatest ignorance. - Laurence J Peter Don't talk to me about a man's being able to talk sense. Everyone can talk sense. Can he talk nonsense? - William Pitt the Elder I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. - Woodrow Wilson =========================================================================== THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN ON STAR TREK 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right. 3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay. 6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'. 9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger. 12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end. 13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century. 15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash. 16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle. 18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day. 19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant." 20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there. 21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come." 22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"! 23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice." 24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position. 26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!" 27. When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen." 28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails. 29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape). 30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net). 32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and it works better than ever. 34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room. 35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine. 36. Data falls in love with the replicator. 37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale. 40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode. 42. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics =========================================================================== THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D HEAR From your auto mechanic: "That part is much less expensive than I thought." "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do." "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street." "It was just a loose wire - No charge." From your daughter/son's preschool teacher: "Everyone misbehaved today, except Mary/Michael." "Mary/Michael traded her/his candy bar for carrot sticks." "I wish we had 20 Marys/Michaels." From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper." "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund - whichever you prefer." From a contractor: "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing." "I think I came in a little high on that estimate." From a dentist: "I think you're flossing too much." "I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth." From a restaurant server: "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim." "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip." =========================================================================== Subject: STORY-RATED:Freeze A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. It was not revealed what grade the student got. =========================================================================== Mars AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft". The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps. =========================================================================== Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: If Women Ran The World A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing. Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho". The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy. Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season. Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. "Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models. Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks". Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks. A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets. =========================================================================== Subject: Joke-Clean: Phobias Pt. 1 Phobia's for the 90's: Xenaphobia : Fear of warrior women with TV shows. Algoreaphobia : Fear of vice presidents who participate in fund raisers Santaclausetrophobia : Fear of plump white-bearded and red-suited old men who deliver presents to good children at Christmas time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If con is the opossite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress. There is one bill that needs vetoing in D.C..... Bill Clinton. Support Gun Control. Learn to hit your intended target. The solution to divorce ... don't get married. If at first you don't succeed, give up and let someone more experienced do it. If at first you don't succeed, you're a failure and a disgrace to humanity. If at first you don't succeed, destory all evidence that you even tried. If at first you don't succeed, plan someone else. If at first you don't succeed, read the manual. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country has done for you. Don't steal. The Govt. hates competition. Outlaw laws and soon all laws will be outlaws. Is outlaw the opposite of inlaw? If your spouse divorces you, do your inlaws become your outlaws?