=========================================================================== HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." =========================================================================== A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbor. Its great says the neighbor but does it have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny says the man. Yes but watch this, the neighbor presses a button on his tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the man takes his huge car ( now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbor but the neighbor is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbor and sees his car parked up in a rest stop with all the windows steamed up! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There is no signs of the neighbor and the windows are too steamed up to see inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbor ( naked ) wipes a circle into the steamed up window. "What the hell do you want?" "My car has a bed like yours!" "GEEZ! you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!" =========================================================================== PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR Dr. ( ) is my professor I shall not pass. He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole class. He telleth me more than I can write. He lowreth mine grades. Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge, I do not learn. He tryeth to teach me. He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will understand them. He bombardeth my head with integrations. My calculator freezeth up. Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the days of my life And I shall dwell in the School of Engineering forever. (Found in the Colorado Engineer magazine, author unknown) >From the Rudeks: Here's another variation that I found on my computer (can't recall where/when I got it) The Democrat's Psalm for Today The government is my shepherd Therefore I need not work. It alloweth me to lie down on a good job. It leadeth me in the path of still factories; It destroyeth my initiative. It leadeth me in the path of the parasite For politics' sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit spending I will fear no evil, For the government is with me. It prepareth an economic utopia for me By appropriating the earnings of my grandchildren. It fillith my head with false security. My inefficiency runneth over. Surely the government shall care for me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in a fool's paradise forever. =========================================================================== Ever wondered about the meaning behind the descriptive words in the personals? Wonder no more... here for your perusal, the Personal Ads Dictionary. "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds CODE WORD (MEANING) 40-ish (48) Adventurer (Has had more partners than you ever will) Affectionate (Possessive) Artist (Unreliable) Athletic (Flat chested) Average looking (Ugly) Beautiful (Pathological liar) Commitment-minded (Pick out curtains, now!) Communication important (Just try to get a word in edgewise) Contagious Smile (Bring your penicillin) Educated (College dropout) Emotionally Secure (Medicated) Employed (Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home) Enjoys art and opera (Snob) Enjoys Nature (Bring your own granola) Exotic Beauty (Would frighten a Martian) Feminist (Fat; ball buster) Financially Secure (One paycheck from the street) Free spirit (Substance user) Friendship first (Trying to live down reputation as slut) Fun (Annoying) Gentle (Comatose) Good Listener (Borderline Autistic) Humorous (Caustic) Intuitive (Your opinion doesn't count) In Transition (Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills) Light drinker (Lush) Looks younger (If viewed from far away in bad light) Loves Travel (If you're paying) Loves Animals (Cat lady) Mature (Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed) New-Age (All body hair, all the time) Non-traditional (Ex-husband lives in the basement) Old-fashioned (Lights out, missionary position only) Open-minded (Desperate) Outgoing (Loud) Passionate (Loud) Petite (Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins) Poet (Depressive Schizophrenic) Professional (Bitch) Redhead (Shops on the Clairol aisle) Reliable (Frumpy) Reubenesque (Grossly Fat) Romantic (Looks better by candle light) Self-employed (Jobless) Smart (Insipid) Special (Rode the short schoolbus) Spiritual (Involved with a cult) Stable (Boring) Tall, thin (Anorexic) Tan (Wrinkled) Voluptuous (Very Fat) Weight proportional to height (Hugely Fat) Wants Soulmate (One step away from stalking) Widow (Nagged first husband to death) Writer (Pompous) Young at heart (Toothless crone) =========================================================================== ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply... I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. You have 2 choices now: 1. save and/or delete this mail from your mail box OR 2. forward it your dear ones I hope, you will choose choice 2. =========================================================================== English political speeches, at their best, have long been noted for their pungent humor. A rejoinder of John Morley, given in the heat of battle, is a typical example. Morley had just finished a campaign address by requesting his listeners to vote for him, when a man jumped angrily to his feet and shouted,"I'd rather vote for the devil!" "Quite so," rejoined Morley with a smile,"but in case your friend declines to run, may I count on your support?" =========================================================================== Parents: Take Time To Decompress -- by Randy Shore I used to think I had a fairly busy life. I was a young man starting out as a reporter in Vancouver, working many weekends and evenings and had an active social calendar. Clubs, drinks with friends, fishing, golf, girlfriends (later reduced to girlfriend, then permanent emotional entanglement), dogs, and non-stop fun were the staples on my smorgasbord of life. So, when my wife Darcy said to me, "I want to have a baby," I immediately responded. "Well, I'd like to get in a quick 18 holes before the barbecue." Darcy insisted she was quite serious and so did I. "Look, can this wait? I just had a shower," I said in a stunning display of selflessness, then realizing my error continued. "It sounds like a great idea to me; you run with it, I'll be back at about three." And so it was done. Perhaps surprisingly, Darcy decided to have her baby with me. Bachelors envision fatherhood as a non-stop purgatory of crappy diapers, screaming kids, nagging cranky wives and utter destitution. Most fathers I know wish it were really that easy. But aside from learning the truth about life with children, I have learned that it is absolutely essential to hold onto something from that near-forgotten former life. The most difficult part of childrearing is its relentless nature. Toddlers rise at dawn and, possessing all the civilized manners of a charging phalanx of Huns, want to eat something ... right then ... in the morning ... before even a cup of coffee is made. This is a demand that Darcy is physically incapable of satisfying and therefore falls to me. I accommodate, but it is only the first in a series of demands by Keiran the Incorrigible that continue until nightfall. Men wonder why their wives begin to narrate their lives after having children. Simple. Children want continuous running commentary on everything that is going on and the minute you break contact to have a thought of your own, your toddler is tucking into a bar of soap or scaling the stereo cabinet. Have a child and never be alone again. But think about the pressure of doing a 13-hour stand-up routine while performing household chores. Then do it 900 times in a row. Now nod your head as the motivations of mass murderers start to make more and more sense. Four months ago we added a second emotional black hole to our daily schedule and, although significant improvements were made over previous model years, the claim to "low maintenance" should be viewed with some skepticism. A not-previously-advertised feature in the 1996 model is the optional need for sleep. This a luxury we could have done without, but Dylan the Dynamic cannot be stopped. He doesn't sleep at all some days and when he does it is usually for less than 15 minutes at a time. Non-parents can never know the glamour of having to choose between a bowel movement and brushing your teeth as a personal day's accomplishment. I usually get to do both, but I am fortunate enough to work outside the home five days a week. So now our days start around 5 a.m. and end -- if we are lucky -- around 10 p.m. and God help you if you don't get to sleep right away. Darcy and I try to spell one another off, letting the other sneak away to the basement to play a computer game or just sob uncontrollably, but periodically it is essential that dads, and moms especially, breathe the rare air of total freedom. A natural martyr, Darcy can be tough to pry out of the house. Suggest a round of golf or a party at a friend's home and she will sigh despondently, "Oh well, have fun," implying that she -- as always -- will make the ultimate sacrifice and stay with the kids while I go off and have a good time spending our children's milk money on booze and cheap women, an attitude that can take the fun out of going out. This is a warning sign. You must force your wife to golf or at least have a drink with a little umbrella in it in the golf course lounge. Ignore these signs and you will come home one day to find your One True Love perched on the roof with a high-powered rifle and your next door neighbours pinned down behind a hedge. HELPFUL HINT: the word "diaper" should never be used while talking her down. =========================================================================== How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History Attila the Hun: One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning. -------------------- Tycho Brahe: An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity. How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time ... In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days. -------------------- Horace Wells: Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor. -------------------- Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays. How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did. -------------------- Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation. How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show" While discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired. -------------------- Aeschylus: A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies. How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead. -------------------- Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s. How he died: A heart attack....while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death. -------------------- And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection. ===========================================================================