ONLY IN MERRY OLD ENGLAND (actual trial) A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. ============================================================================= >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >> "The Sixth Sense - The Sense of Humor" >>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >> >>Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? >> >>I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. >> >>Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. >> >>Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. >> >>Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. >> >>I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. >> >>He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. >> >>I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. >> >>You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be >>misquoted, then used against you. >> >>Honk if you love peace and quiet. >> >>Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so >>popular? >> >>Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. ============================================================================= Waiters: What They Say and What They MEAN!! ------------------------------------------- Inspired by work experience and written for a good grade in college, this little skit was born. What the waiter says appears first and in quotation marks "like this," and what he MEANS is shown afterward in brackets [like this]. Have a good laugh, but I can't be held responsible for losing your lunch after reading this! ------------------------------------------ INTRO: "Hello, everyone. My name is Al, that is, Al the Waiter. Do you ever wonder what is going through a waiter's mind as he's taking your order? Well today, I'm giving you the chance to eavesdrop on what is going through my mind as I wait on this customer." [This a**hole.] "Hello, sir." [Damn! I would rather have waited on that foxy babe!] "How are you today?" [Like I really care about how he is....he could have a 108-degree fever, or test positive for HIV virus, and my heart wouldn't beat any softer for the poor bastard!] "I have a menu for you to look at, sir." [Assuming this perennial welfare recipient looking-dude is literate enough to read it!] "I'11 be with you promptly to take your order." [I'll take his order whenever I damn well please!] "Are you ready sir?" [In other words, let's get this needle in the ass situation over with!] "OK, you would like the soup and salad combination." [You son of a bitch! Ordering the one damn thing on the menu which I have to make all by myself!] "Good choice, sir, but there's a slight problem." [I finally get my first chance to ruin this guy's dining experience!] "We only have cream of broccoli soup ready now. Is that alright for you?" [Take it or leave it, pal!] "Broccoli will be fine? Thank you, sir." [Hallelujah!] "And for your salad, what kind of dressing do you like? What kind do we have?" [What a pisser! Trying to get orders out of some people is like pulling teeth! Why can't this brainless twit answer my question first, then his question wouldn't be necessary. You don't have to be Socrates to figure that out!] "We have french, thousand island, italian, blue cheese, or ranch dressings." [Or if he doesn't like any of these, I can whip out my fire hose and urinate on his salad!] "Italian is OK? Thank you. Would you care for something to drink? Oh, I'm so sorry sir. We don't have any apple juice." [Actually, we do have apple juice. We put it back in the refrigerator after breakfast, and I'm just too damn lazy to run back and get it!] "Water is fine. OK, and thank you." [I love good old New Jersey water; it has enough chemicals to make DuPont feel jealous!] --SERVE THE FOOD-- [--SERVE THE SH*T--] "All finished? I'll take your plate, sir." [That is, before this poor bastard tries to take it home with him or uses it for a hubcap!] "Would you care for any dessert?" [In other words, would you like to spend the money you had reserved for my tip on something else to feed your fat, ugly face?] "No thank you?" [Hallelujah] "OK, sir, here is your check. OH! Thank you for your tip." [This idiot is lucky, or else I would have kicked his ass in the parking lot!] "Have a nice day, and come back again!" [Go have sex with yourself!] -------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, that's exactly what's going through a waiter's mind when he's taking your order, and I hope you all learned something and enjoyed this skit." [You morons, I only did this damn thing for personal gain and glory! Hahaha............] ============================================================================= The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. Talc is found on rocks and on babies. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. The wind is like the air, only pushier. ================================================= Winston Churchill quotes ------------------------ A joke is a very serious thing. Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. I like a man who grins when he fights. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. You can always count on Americans to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else. A communist is like a crocodile: when it opens its mouth you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up. Of course, we are all worms--but I like to think, at least, that I am a glowworm. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last. The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true. Life is to short to drink bad wine. ============================================================================= If a man is in the forest and no one is around, not his mother, sister, girlfriend or wife, and he says something....is he still wrong? ============================================================================ THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ron was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits. 20. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 21. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. 22. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 23. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. 24. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 25. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 26. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. ============================================================================ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: The old lady An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey Now ! Got this from a friend..... Who's the Boss When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food for energy, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, the man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days, the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and were unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss. (Just to open up a little, of course.) This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss... Just an asshole. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-RATED: General Halftrack General Halftrack called down to the motor pool. A sleepy voice answered, "Hullo." General Halftrack said, "How many vehicles in the motor pool?" The sleepy voice said, "Hold on." After a few minutes, he came back on and said, "There's 7 Jeeps, 3 one and a half ton trucks, and 2 staff cars for the fat-ass generals." General Halftrack was upset by this and said, "Do you know who this is?" Sleepy voice said, "No." General Halftrack said, "This is General Halftrack!" Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the sleepy voice asked, "Do you know who this is?" General Halftrack says, "No." Sleepy voice replies, "Goodbye, Fat-ass!!" ------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Writing Home Writing Home the Easy Way Date: ___________ Dear Parent(s), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send: __ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______ __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________ __ Clean clothes! Relationships: __ What? __ I am in love with myself __ I am in love! __ I am engaged __ I got married last weekend My Roommate: __ Worships the ground I walk on __ Gave me a black eye __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ??? __ Has fleas My Professors are: __ Sadistic water walkers __ Mental institution escapees __ Brain dead nerds __ Super oxygen thieves __ All of the above Latest News: __ I wrecked the car __ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit __ You are going to have a grandchild __ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild Food: __ Is great! __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals Grades: __ I am making all A's __ I am not being properly challenged __ I will be home after this semester I study: __ Night and day __ All the time __ 80 hours a week __ Only on Sunday afternoon __ None of the above Daily Devotions: __ I read my Bible everyday __ I can't read __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars On my last visit home, I left: __ My glasses __ My paper that was due yesterday __ The clothes you washed for me __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment __ Other _____________________________________________ Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue) Laundry: __ My white underwear is now _________________ __ I am saving money by not using detergent __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains My room: __ Can pass your "white glove" test __ Is only _____% full __ Could not be located last Saturday night __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training Parties: __ I don't inhale __ I only go to meet people __ Haven't been to one since this morning Hope you: __ Miss me __ Can live without me __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation: __ Your Daughter, __ Your Son, __ Yours, __________________________________________________ Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law) Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X"). ======================================================= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: mark17 A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ******************************************************************************** Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: 50 Facts about Men Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men. 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set. ======================================================= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Cockroach A guy goes to the pub one Friday and downs his customary 5 pints. On the way home he stops for a curry and picks up a couple of cans. He gets home, unwraps the curry and opens a can. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. He opens up and outside there is a 6 foot cockroach. the cockroach takes one look at him and then head butts him. The guy closes the door and reels over to the couch clutching his broken nose. He can' believe what's just happened. Next night he goes out again, and tells his mates what happened. Nobody will believe him, and after 5 pints he leaves, picks up a curry and 2 cans and then goes home.Once he's sat down, there's a knock on the door. He opens up and outside there is the same 6 foot cockroach. The cockroach takes one look at him and then head butts him and then kicks him in the balls. The guy gets inside again and nurses his aching nose and bits. Next night he goes out again, and tells his mates what happened this time. Again nobody will believe him, and after 5 pints he leaves, this time he thinks he'd better go easy on the cans so he just picks up a curry and then goes home. No sooner has he started eating his curry when there's a knock on the door. He opens up and outside there is the same 6 foot cockroach. The cockroach takes one look at him and then head butts him and then kicks him in the balls and punches him in the stomach. The guy gets inside again and nurses his aching nose and belly and bits. He's now seriously worried, so next day he visits the doctor and tells him the whole story. When he's finished he asks "So doc, tell me straight -0 have I got a drink problem?" The doctor replies PG DWN "No - there's just a nasty bug going round" ======================================================= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Paid In Full There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace ======================================================= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: How To Install "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry (from his new book, "Dave Barry In Cyberspace") 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ... 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key. 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: +-----+ +------+ | YES | | SURE | +-----+ +------+ 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.." 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^& 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture. 12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12. ======================================================= Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Hiker Comments THE BRIDGER WILDERNESS AREA ASKS HIKERS IN THIS PRISTINE AREA TO FILL OUT COMMENT CARDS.THESE ARE ACTUAL COMMENTS LEFT BY HIKERS. - Trail needs to be reconstructed.Please avoid building trails that go uphill. - Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. - Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter. - Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. - The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. - A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ ___ ____. - Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. - Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. - Need more signs to keep area pristine. - A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead. - The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. - I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake. TOO Many Rocks...