YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

* You take a metal detector to the beach.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your trousers.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You discover bifocals are stylish!
* When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
* You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your trousers.
* You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You send money to PBS.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* Neighbors borrow your tools.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate".
* People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
* Your social security number only has three digits.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Denice Does Dialysis."

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
 

Subject: Getting Older

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory.
The other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just, as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.