Dear Sir: The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows: 10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00 08-10 inches Pole Tax 25.00 05-08 inches Privilege Tax 15.00 04-05 inches Nuisance Tax 3.00 Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !! Sincerely, Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service Washington, D.C. =========================================================================== Commonly asked questions ... and their answers (?) ------------------------------------------------------ Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. ------------------------------------------------------ Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. ------------------------------------------------------ Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. ------------------------------------------------------ Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. ------------------------------------------------------ How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. ------------------------------------------------------ Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. ------------------------------------------------------ What does it mean when men say "I Love You? 1 Please sleep with me. 2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6 Stop nagging me. 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here? ------------------------------------------------------ Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. ------------------------------------------------------ Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. ------------------------------------------------------ What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? ------------------------------------------------------ Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenthsof the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. ------------------------------------------------------ Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. ------------------------------------------------------ What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. ------------------------------------------------------ What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. ------------------------------------------------------ Do all men really masturbate? Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men generally have greater upper body strength? Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) ------------------------------------------------------ Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination? It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) ------------------------------------------------------ Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. =========================================================================== The Top 15 Signs An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance 15> Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team. 14> Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters. 13> Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open. 12> Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness. 11> Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle. 10> His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia." 9> Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm. 8> Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands. 7> Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet. 6> Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years. 5> Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes. 4> According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant. 3> Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off." 2> Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River." 1> Forget Nike and Reebok -- he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo. [ This list copyrighted by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] =========================================================================== A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the rose window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street" =========================================================================== THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG... Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. =========================================================================== The Rules To Bedroom Golf >From The Laugh Page Archives http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/ (1) The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. (2) Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin. (3) Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out. (4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence. (5) Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. (6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied. (7) Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. (8) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers. (9) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played. (10) If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play. (11) It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match. (12) Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player. (13) It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course. =========================================================================== Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today." Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today." "Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand." =========================================================================== Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming. =========================================================================== The old men in the nursing home were talking about the exciting times they had been through. One said his most memorable experience was when he was a fireman and the women's college dormitory had caught on fire and he had to catch scantily-clad co-eds jumping from windows. The second man said he most exciting time was when he was a deputy sheriff and had a shoot-out with some of the John Dillinger gang. The third man said his most exciting time was when he was an undertaker and was called to a hotel to pick up a deceased man. He said when he went into the room, he noticed the man on his back with a big erection and since he didn't want to take the man through the hotel lobby in that condition, he hit him hard on the erection with the base of a lamp. Then he paused in his story. The first man asked, "What was so exciting about that?" to which the third man replied, "I was in the wrong room." ============================================================================ JOKE-RATED: Ode to Four-Letter Words Banish the use of those four-letter words Whose meanings are never obscure. The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds, Were vulgar, obscene, and impure. But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase That never quite says what you mean; Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene. When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out, When ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about, You make water, wee-wee, or empty the glass; You can powder your nose; "Excuse me" may pass; Shake the dew off the lily; see a man 'bout a dog; Or when everyone's soused, it's condensing the fog, But be pleased to consider and remember just this - That only in Shakespeare do characters piss! You may speak of a movement, or sit on a seat, Have a passage, or stool, or simply excrete; Or say to the others, "I'm going out back," Then groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack. You can go lay a cable, or do number two, Or sit on the toidy and make a do-do, But ladies and men who are socially fit Under no provocation will go take a shit! When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans, With garlic and claret and bacon and greens; Your bowels get so busy distilling a gas That Nature insists you permit it to pass. You are very polite, and you try to exhale Without noise or odour - you frequently fail - Expecting a zephyr, you carefully start, But even a deaf one would call it a fart! A woman has bosoms, a bust or a breast. Those lily-white swellings that bulge 'neath her vest; They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat; In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat. You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire With hardly a question of raising her ire; But by Rabelais's beard, she'll throw fifteen fits If you speak of them roundly as good honest tits! It's a cavern of joy you are thinking of now, A warm, tender field just awaiting the plough It's a quivering pigeon caressing your hand, Or that sweet little pussy that makes a man stand. Or perhaps it's a flower, a grotto, a well, The hope of the world, or a velvety hell. But, friend, heed this warning, beware the affront Of aping a Saxon: don't call it a cunt! Though a lady repel your advance, she'll be kind Just as long as you intimate what's on your mind. You may tell her you're hungry, you need to be swung, You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung. You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled; Put the lid on her sauce-pan, but don't be to bold; For the moment you're forthright, get ready to duck - The girl isn't born yet who'll stand for "Let's fuck!" Banish the use of those four-letter words Whose meanings are never obscure. The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds, Were vulgar, obscene, and impure. But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase That never quite says what you mean; Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.