During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it." ========================================================================== Subject: Re: Joke-rated: Differences betwixt The Sexes... "Men get laid, but women get screwed"-Quentin Crisp (English writer) "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows"-Frederick Ryder "Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place."-Billy Crystal. "I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute. "What am I, a microwave?"-Berverly Mickins (American comedienne) "Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you."-Mrs. Patrick Campbell English actress) "Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette."-Ernestyne White "A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."-Sanskrit proverb "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfeld "We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation."-Jane Wagner "MARCH ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB."-Anonymous "You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate."-Carrie Snow "Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last."-Remy de Gourmant (French writer) "A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses"-H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956) "When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment"-Warren Farrell (American Psychologist) "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."-Lyndon B. Johnson "Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"-Carrie Snow "God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question"-Anonymous ========================================================================== Guide to the Safe Fax 1. Do I have to be married to have fax? Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers everyday. 2. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? Faxing can be performed at any age, once they learn the correct procedure. 3. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind? Certainly not, as far as we can see. 4. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal? Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax needs and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great. 5. Should a cover always be used when faxing? Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure 'safe fax'. 6. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and fax prematurely? Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you fax them again. 7. I have a personal fax and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you are not supposed to. =========================================================================== Subject: JOKE-RATED: The Gravy Ladle An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." =========================================================================== Subject: JOKE-RATED:SUCKIN' Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?" +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Lady and the Banker A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million, he called the presidents office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the presidents office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet," she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No, she replied. "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay. There was no difference - he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day - how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well," she asked. "What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh - him, she replied. "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."