Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Dontcha' Mess with God! So, this guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey, God? What does 100 million years seem like to you?" God answers, "One hundred million years? That's like a second to me." Then the man asks, "Hey God? What's 100 million dollars seem like to you?" And God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me." So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?" And God answers, "Sure. Just wait a second." ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:WACKO HEADLINES MORE HUMOROUS HEADLINES...... Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Steals Clock, Faces Time Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Wish I'd Thought Of That! Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:BANG BOOM The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun! Who does he shoot??? Gates, twice to be sure. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:THREE WORDS A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully, said, 'Paint my house.' ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:The SCHOOL BUS DRIVER A bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents.... Now I'm thinking, "Man I must be a good driver and the kids even like me. I opened a card when I got home. On the inside the card it said: "thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it." ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Old Scotish Proverb: "If thy neighbor offend thee, give each of his children Bagpipes ." The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -Bertrand Russell ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Thought for the Day Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Fred Allen) ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Top 5 The Top 14 Surprises in Queen Elizabeth's Financial Records (Part I) 14> Owns an entire set of Pauly Shore collectable plates. 13> Elizabeth's secret? A weakness for Victoria's Secret. 12> Maintenance and upkeep on Buckingham Palace less than maintenance and upkeep on the Queen Mother. 11> As suspected, Fergie has more pounds than anyone. 10> Huge purchases of Spice Girls memorabilia filed under "Miscellaneous - Condiments." 9> Keeps entire royal fortune in that dinky little purse. 8> Cash-strapped Windsors have been reduced to being pompous and inbred on only ú800,000 a day. 7> Largest single expense? Q-Tips for Prince Charles. 6> Shocking amount of money earned for posing in Playboy's "Girls of the Parliament" issue. 5> ú1.7 million on jewelry. ú0 on visits to the dentist. 4> That gal's got a wicked Mallomar jones. 3> Dots the 'i' in Elizabeth with a smiley-face when signing checks. 2> Nearly blew the entire wad on Beanie Babies and Macarena lessons. 1> Still owes the Columbia Tape and Record Club ú9.95 for a Queensryche CD. ======================================== Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Good Cookies Nieman-Marcus Cookies This was sent to me by a friend. ________________________________________________________________________ Check this out. Enjoy! My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie." {EDITORIAL COMMENT: Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States}. It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00" That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her. So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe.... (Recipe may be halved) 2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal (Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.) 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1- 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. Ride free citizens! THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS.... ------------------------------ Subject: Re: JOKE-CLEAN: (More) Useless Facts James David's Useless Facts -The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. ---------------- End of original message ---------------------------------- Not only is the shutter backwards, but the open hole without the write protect tab is on the wrong side. (Since there is no hole on the other side, the tab must be covering it up making things backwards.) James ------------------------------ Subject: Re: JOKE-CLEAN:Good Cookies Nieman-Marcus Cookies >This is not a joke --- this is a true story. Ride free citizens! >THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON >YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS.... > (This is in regards to Neiman-Marcus Cookie recipe) You better read one of those Imponderable books, because one of the entries in it is the above recipe. Has been generating since 1979 (Yes, that's 19 years!!!) and the source is unidentified, but the story behind it is _NOT TRUE_ -- and has been proven... but the recipe is too DELICIOUS to pass out! ------------------------------ Subject: Joke-Clean: Re-Run: (2 y) First baby Heard this one on Paul Harvey (an American newsman and commentator) a few weeks ago. A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said "When you can read this, come back and see me." ------------------------------ Subject: ANECDOTE-CLEAN: Absence Excuses This is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque public school system by parents of students: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah, diahoah, dyah, the shits.