Subject: Joke-Clean : Women WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks you are boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... ......WOMEN! ------------------------------ Subject: Joke-Rated-New Year's Resolutions New Year's Resolutions As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1997 Edition": Resolution #1 1994: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 1995: I will not leave Marge. 1996: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 1997: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. Resolution #2 1994: I will stop looking at other women. 1995: I will not get involved with Wanda. 1996: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 1997: I will stop looking at other women. Resolution #3 1994: I will not let my boss push me around. 1995: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 1996: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 1997: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. Resolution #4 1994: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 1995: I will read at least 10 books a year. 1996: I will read 5 books a year. 1997: I will finish "Space." Resolution #5 1994: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 1995: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 1996: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 1997: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam. Resolution #6 1994: I will get my weight down below 180. 1995: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 1996: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 1997: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. Resolution #7 1994: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 1995: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 1996: I will not become a "problem drinker". 1997: I will not miss any AA meetings. Resolution #8 1994: I will not spend my money frivolously. 1995: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 1996: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 1997: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2000. Resolution #9 1994: I will see my dentist this year. 1995: I will have my cavities filled this year. 1996: I will have my root canal work done this year. 1997: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. Resolution #10 1994: I will go to church every Sunday. 1995: I will go to church as often as possible. 1996: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 1997: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV. Resolution #11 1994: I will not be self-destructive. ------------------------------ Subject: joke-clean: women (quote) All dames are alike. They reach down your throat so they can grab your heart, they pull it out, they throw it on the floor and they step on it with their high heels. They spit on it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam on a hunk of toast and serve it to you. And they expect you to say: Thanks honey, it's delicious. - from "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Economic One-Liners (courtesy of Jim Moore of Humor Digest) -------------------- * I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt, than there are to get out of it. * That old saying about "ya can't take it with ya" never bothered me at all. Hell, I can't ever afford to go. * Even AT&T must be feeling the pinch these days. I accidently put in an extra quarter in a pay phone the other day and the operator came on the line and said "God bless you." * Talked to this financial advisor just last week and a lot that guy knows. He told me that I should pay as I go. Hell, I haven't even paid for where I've been. * I've also discovered the whole problem with the National Debt too. I mean just think about this a minute. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends 7. * Living in the past has got one thing going for it -- it's cheaper ! * All this defense spending too, and for what ? No country's ever gonna invade us. They couldn't afford to live here. * In the good old days I could live way beyond my means for half as much as it takes now. * Somebody's always saying money can't buy love; money can't buy respect; money can't buy happiness; it can't buy this or that. Tell ya what -- they must be some terrible shoppers. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: U gotta Drinking Problemx...Happy New Year Y'ALL!! Signs You Have A Drinking Problem You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every person you see has an exact twin. *bg* !! You fall off the floor. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- to heck with dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.... (^_^) Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.) At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is ... uh ..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki. "BeerTender! Get me another Bar!" The shrubbery's drunk too -- from frequent watering. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:MOOOooooooooooooooo........... There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose wornout body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!" ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: EN-LIGHT-ENING In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"