WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse with anyone else." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means.... "Our time apart wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my new car." "I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: A True Atheist An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: In My Day.. >From some contest in which Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder it was in the old days: In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying `Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Mine Worker It's back in the 1800's and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot. A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too. A China man walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I wont need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies." The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere. He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:HAPPY TURKEY DAY GIGGLERS!! THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Ho Ho Ho Avaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care, Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town. The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing. Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!" So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -- To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown. The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops, While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs. We hopped off a Park Street; the Common was bright With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights, Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs, And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs. At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate, Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes, In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat others, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy: There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu.... When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade. Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled. And while this went on, we became aware Every diner around us had started to stare. Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking; Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking. So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils. We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore And half of our dinner wound up on the floor. We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell, Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well, We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks, And called to our waiter to bring us two forks. We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched. We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched. We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food." And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique). The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Mo Hmmm's Things that make you go Hmmmmmm 0000000000000000000000000000000 Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.