Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:Un Usual Eats The following are actual menu items in which people have made incorrect use of English words and created some rather bizarre dishes: Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion (Poland) Boiled Frogfish (Europe) Buttered saucepans and fried hormones (Japan) Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce (China) Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China) French Creeps (L.A.) French fried ships (Cairo) Fried fishermen (Japan) Fried friendship (Nepal) Garlic Coffee (Europe) Goose Barnacles (Spain) Indonesian Nazi Goreng (Hong Kong) Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos (Cairo) Pork with fresh garbage (Vietnam) Prawn cock and tail (Cairo) Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong) Roasted duck let loose (Poland) Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) (Europe) Strawberry cr-p (Japan) Sweat from the trolley (Europe) Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan) Toes with butter and jam (Bali) - (Original source unknown) ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:I really should post this...but You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time. PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-RATED:Win a Trip To JAIL NEVER WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN! WIN A FREE VACATION! (note:for those that think this is an actual ad)...IT"S A JOKE!) This really works and is almost legal! Hello, my name is Dave Rhodes. Two years ago I was broke, my car was repossessed, you've heard my story hundreds of times.... Then I instigated a chain letter to become rich off of stupid people! I lost my last 10 bucks to it, but within only weeks two uniformed chauffeurs showed up to whisk me away on my dream vacation: an all-expenses paid trip to a huge 500 room resort including food, aerobics programs, library and laundry benefits!! Now I don't worry about money at all because even tips are covered! Membership has its privileges. At first I thought that the handcuffs required by the chauffeurs were pretty kinky, but when they started telling me about the rules, I became too excited about my chances of winning the dream vacation to object. The qualification procedures were grueling, but well worth the effort. I spent several days meeting with an application committee of my peers and introducing my acquaintances to them before I was awarded the grand prize. I became famous - an instant celebrity. After another kinky trip with security appropriate to my fame, I was provided with free leisure attire, introduced to the resort doormen who keep out the riff-raff, and directed to a single room prepared especially for me. I met some of the other guests, who assigned me my own "handle": Dipstick Dave. The rooms are private, so I have a lot of personal time ("solitary," they call it; I love the colorful terminology). I've been using my free time to send Wish-You-Were-Here chain-postcards to all my relatives, but I think most of them are too jealous to visit or write. Except my mother-in-law; she visited once, didn't say anything, but seemed awfully happy to see me here. Guess what? There are two openings at the end my row. Occasionally, the current guest in Suite A (Suite A gets the best food) leaves and we're all shifted up the row. Well, that leaves an opening, for which YOU MIGHT QUALIFY!!! No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Certain restrictions apply. Employees and relatives are eligible. You must be at least 18 years of age and as DUMB AS A POST. All you have to do is add your name to a chain letter and sucker in a few other posts. It's really easy. You'll lose money on the chain letter, of course, but think of it as an application fee. Send me a copy and I'll pass it along to the doormen. You may already have won!! You can't win if you don't enter the game. That's what I used to think. Send away today! No-risk! Guaranteed! This is an equal-opportunity scam. Winners list available. While quantities last. Allow 4-6 weeks. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:The Answer A skydiving instructor. During class he would take time to answer any stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: DEADLINE UP! The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes" she responded, "so what?" "I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Hic..I'll drink to dat What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:The forbidden Fruit After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." ------------------------------ Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:The Last Fight The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, Dust!"