1. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP!

2. This is Dean, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

3. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.)

4. The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...)
The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

5. Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
(or)
(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello... (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man... I'm a bit tired at the moment... (Long yawn.) I'm going back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on...
(or)
Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Monty, we're gonna be late! -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone!  Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP

6. Hello, this is Dean. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call Dunc, Monty or Patricia, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

7. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dean. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

8. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, this is Dean. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

10. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP

11. Pick up the phone and say:) This is Dean. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

12. Sorry, Brad and Stacey aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

13. Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

14. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

15. Hi. This is Dean. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

16. Narrator's voice:) There Dean sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dean in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

17. "Hi. Now you say something."

18. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am Dean's answering machine. What are you?"

19. (From a Japanese person) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

20. "Hi! Dean's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

21 "Hello, this is Dean's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

22. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

23. "This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

24. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

25. "Hi, this is Dean. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

26. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

27. "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

28. "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

29. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.  Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

30. Hello, you've reached Brad and Stacey. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Stacey likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.....